It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
