phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
