your parents love me but you hate me
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
