You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
