So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
