1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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