sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My feet surprised me
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
