What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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