Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
