so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
