I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
