someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
