I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just high enough for therapy.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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