i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize