Can i not drive my cunt home
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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