i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
