I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
