Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We had sex on a dog bed..
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
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