hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
