im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
