Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
