I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
