John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
