I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
