listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
