This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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