I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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