sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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