if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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