Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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