M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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