im drinking this country out of the recession.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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