id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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