I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
