we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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