whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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