Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
