Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
