I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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