I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
