I think scott just propositioned me for sex
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
