Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
