lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My dick has a subreddit
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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