im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
