i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
