I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
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we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
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do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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