If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
