There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You ate ashes out of my bong
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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