and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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