Pants 0. Shit 1.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
