I think my vagina is haunted
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
