Your face is a jimmy john
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
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There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
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I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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