literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
