She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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