Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
