So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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