I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
