It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
